Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Things I Thought I'd Never Say to my 19mo old...

1) Get off the colander. It is not a step stool.

2) Thank you for the kiss, and the strawberries (or other food product) in my hair.

3) It's okay, the floor will dry after we clean it... but the next time you have to go pee pee and don't have any pants on, tell mommy when you feel like you have to go and I will get you to a toilet.

4) Please set your big wheels on the ground.

5) Please don't stand in my frying pan.

6) You may only pick your nose in the bathroom or in your room; otherwise, please don't pick your nose in public.

7) Please don't show your boobies in public.

8) The doggy doesn't like it when you: sit on her, take her food, eat her food, pull her ears, stick your finger in her eye... etc.

9) Get off the coffee table. You're not allowed to stand on tables. Or dance on them. Don't dance on the coffee table!

10) If you're going to put your fish in the frying pan on the floor then you have to let the dog have some too.

11) What does a hyena say? No, that sounds more like a velociraptor... do the hyena sound.

12) Just wait until mommy pays for the internet service so we can look at Facebook pictures of Daddy... so you don't scream on the plane.

13) Say "bye bye toilet paper and pee pee!" No, you may not use toilet paper unless you go pee pee. I'm sorry, but you didn't go pee pee again yet.

14) Let daddy (or mommy) go potty by himself (or herself).

15) No, you are not allowed to brush your teeth more than two times a day. I'm sorry if you want to, but you're going to have to wait until this evening.

16) We do not chew our food up and spit it out on the airport floor. That is not acceptable. You have to pick up ALL of the chicken you spit out on the airport floor.

17) Go put the can opener back. Take the can opener back to Daddy. Go trade Daddy for some [fresh, uncooked] spinach.

18) Don't touch the oven. Yes, it's hot. Thank you for closing the oven. Yes, it's hot. Good job.

19)  Stop paying with the fireplace. Look! You can watch babies again. Your fingers are going to get squished.

20) Stop licking the butter out of the Tupperware.

21) Please take your hand out of your pants; if you have an itchy butt we will go change your diaper.

22) Stop banging the window with the tongs. And put the garlic press back in the drawer.

23) We have to ask people if we can touch their dogs. You may not just go and touch someone's dog without asking permission. I don't care if their dog wants to give you kisses. Stop kissing the dog, we have to ask permission.

24) No, that's not a doggy, that's a bear... horse... cat... goat... fish...

25) I am turning off the Rick Ross (or any other YMCB of choice) if you don't put your shirt back down.

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